Caution: My thoughts on God being a jerk. You’ll be offended if you’re offended by swears. http://pastorinprocess.tumblr.com/post/90417293016/god-is-an-asshole
With the most affection one being can feel for another being, let me tell you something: God is an asshole. He is a complete and total asshole who loves me more than you can imagine and who I love intensely, fiercely, and quite angrily. After all, isn’t the definition of an asshole simply someone who doesn’t function the way I feel is appropriate? You think I’m an asshole for calling God an asshole. I’m functioning outside of the way you think one should speak of the Almighty Creator of the universe, blessed be He.
God, the Divine Asshole, functions more outside acceptable boundaries than anyone I have ever personally met. He won’t do anything I want him to. He won’t let me believe bullshit lies about myself or about other people or even about His world. He hurts me in ways I don’t think people ought to be hurt. He allows pain to exist that I don’t think ought to exist.
Some of you, you moderators of God’s Public Relations, you careful theologians, you seminarians, take issue with the fact that I say God hurts me. “No, no, let us not say God hurts anyone, for he merely allows pain and never hurts anyone, being the good God that he is.” That is some bullshit. Rather than try to protect the image of God, I will simply speak as someone who has been personally hurt by God:
God hurts me.
God hurts me.
God hurts you.
God hurts people.
Let me guess, you’ve been hurt by God and have been told that God didn’t do it by one of God’s PR people. You’ve been told that God merely “allowed it to happen” as if that gets him off the hook and leaves you frustrated in your anger and pain with no one to direct the anger toward. That is some more bullshit. God is an asshole. God hurts me. God hurts you. I didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve it. And we still don’t deserve it.
I’m pissed. I’m pissed at God and the way she functions. I’m pissed that I don’t get what I want and deserve. I’m pissed that I’ve been severely abused. I’m pissed that anyone has been abused. I’m pissed that God didn’t stop it. I’m pissed that no one else stopped it. And I’m sick and tired of pretending that God isn’t responsible.
God did it.
God does it.
God is responsible.
God is an asshole. She functions outside of the ways that I feel are appropriate. God hurts me and that ain’t right. God talks about things that aren’t polite. Things like rape and slaves and women and incest and violence. Things like forgiveness and his “Kingdom” and love. Things like beauty and death and hatred and redemption. He hurts the people he’s closest to and destroys their lives. He stole a respectable reputation and life from an innocent virgin in first century Israel. He let his so-called favorite people be enslaved for 400 years, then marginalized for another 1500 years. He blinds people and gives them thorns in the flesh.
Read the mystics and the Saints. He’s constantly beating them about. And these are just the stories we know about!
It’s like he never got the memo that he’s supposed to be nice when we finally follow him and do it his way. God is an asshole. Frankly, it’s no wonder so many people don’t want to have much to do with him. He treats his friends like he’s an asshole.
When I was 13, I made a huge deal out of the fact I wanted my own room. I wanted my brother to move into the room by the garage and I wanted the room by the rest of the family to myself. I deserved that room, and I had a list of reasons why, being the articulate young man I was. I was afraid of the dark and my brother wasn’t. I was next in line for my own room. The room by the garage had cockroaches and my brother was a cockroach. In the end my dad made me move to the garage-room. My dad was an asshole. I was mad at him for years because of that and to this day that was the exact moment I realized that I am not the center of the universe. It was the best reality check I’ve ever had and it came from this asshole who functioned outside of the ways I felt were appropriate. Dad knew something I didn’t know but I do now. I’m glad I gave my dad many chances and stuck around despite his asshole-ness.
God must also know something I don’t know because he’s the biggest asshole I know. I’m okay with his asshole behavior and my anger at him. We fight. I’m in good company with the chosen people and the martyrs and the mystics and the Saints. We like each other. I’m going to stick around and see what happens.
Three hugs so far and I’m just going to the store! I’ll wear the pink one for the Pride Parade tomorrow.
Ladies and gays, I know you have trouble with tools. Never fear! This tool set will set your worries aside. With the new pink colors, you’ll hardly know you’re not holding a pouf or a mop handle or an iron. Lady things!!
If you have any other ideas for human connections, please feel free to join the group I just set up.
That was one of the coolest experiences of my life. Had several profound conversations, laughed with some other humans, had a lot of people take pics of me, and returned one girl’s phone by posting on Facebook from her phone. A huge success. I’ll be doing that regularly!